The Coward’s Guide to Self-Defense

Friday, May 26th, 2017

           First of all, if you think that this is another one of those macho
self-defense karate martial art articles which will teach you how to kick butt
like Bruce Lee in only 10 minutes (or however long it takes you to read this),
then you have another thing coming.

    Let me explain right off the bat that I have no intention of teaching you
how to defend yourself in the event that you are actually in the situation of
being:

    a)mugged
b)attacked
c)viciously insulted
d)whistled at
e)all of the above
f)none of the above
g)other

    What I WILL do, however, is try to teach you how to avoid situations where
something potentially dangerous and most likely extraordinarily embarrassing
will occur.  (Note that I am not responsible for anything else embarrassing
that will probably occur if you take any of my advice.  In fact, the only good
piece of advice you’ll get from me is this – don’t read this article.  If
you’re one of those people who skip parenthetical musings such as this, then
you will undoubtedly try something quite foolish one of these days, and I’ll be
there to laugh at you.  Sucker.)

    I’m sure you’re wondering just what kind of self-defense I could be
teaching, considering my extreme lack of knowledge of anything useful in the
field of martial arts.  I was thinking this myself one day while I was walking
down the street, and then it hit me.  In the face.  A fist.  Attached to a very
large arm, which was attached to a very large man named “Death.” (At least
that’s what he had tattooed across his neck.)  It seems that I had
inadvertently walked too close to his girlfriend, and now I would have to
compensate him for this transgression by leaving a few of my teeth for his
collection.  This brings us to the first rule of self-defense:

    Never walk down a street if someone is already there.  Properly followed,
this rule of thumb could eliminate having to follow any of the other rules.
The problem with walking down a street with people on it is that there is
always the chance that one of them might want to hurt you, and if you are still
reading this, then you are obviously the type of person who is very hurtable.

    Now, obviously it isn’t possible to avoid ALL people, unless you follow
the Rule of the Last Resort:

    Never, ever, no matter what happens, ever leave your room.  This is the
ultimate in self-defense for cowards.  The chance of offending someone enough
to want to damage you is very slim if you become a recluse for the rest of your
life.  This is not a mere assumption!  According to the most recent police
statistics, there was a lower rate of violent crimes against hermits than any
other type of person in the social strata.

    For most of us, unfortunately, that option isn’t extremely viable.  This
brings us back to my regrettable encounter with Mr. “Death” and his large fist.
This next rule is very important, and should be taken extremely seriously.  If
you follow this rule closely, you will emerge from most minor altercations
relatively unscathed:

    Learn to beg.  Most would-be assailants, seeing you on the ground on your
hands and knees, pleading for your miserably life, groveling and licking the
ground in shame, will either start laughing hysterically (thus giving you the
opportunity to abscond from the premises), or they will be so ashamed for you
that they’ll just spit on your pathetic head and leave you in the dirt.
Whatever works.  (Note: This method was quite effective in dealing with my
fisty friend, and I was able to escape with most of my teeth intact!)

    Let’s say that you’re too proud to beg, and you find yourself in a
situation where your life and limb are pretty much assured of being at stake.
You can either swallow your pride and follow the above rule and live (or you
can swallow your teeth when they get knocked out), or you can apply the next
rule to your predicament:

    Learn to run.  Fast.  You might want to invest 70 or 80 dollars in a good
pair of running shoes for this one.  They can’t hit what they can’t catch,
right?  So make like a banana and get the hell out of there.  An added benefit
of this rule is the wonderful exercise you receive.

    Suppose you are in your home, and someone has broken in.  You have an
inner conflict.  On the one hand, you feel the need to protect your property,
and stand and fight the enemy.  On the other hand, your closet looks pretty
comfortable right about now.  My personal motto in situations such as this is
(to paraphrase the old classic):

    Those who whimper and run away,
    Live to whimper another day.

    Hey, you can always get grandma to give you another priceless heirloom,
but you only have one nose, and it would hurt something fierce to have it
broken in any way, shape or form.

    Another possible circumstance you might encounter is a car accident.
While reading the paper or clipping your toenails or whatever, you accidentally
demolish some guy’s new Porsche.  Of course, he will be understandably
unamused, and will most likely attempt some form of physical violence upon your
person.  To avoid this, you should wait until he is out of his vehicle and
coming towards you.  If he is visibly angered, and particularly if he is
holding some sort of blunt object in his hands and making threatening gestures
with it, this would be an ideal time to put the pedal to the metal and, as they
say, get the hell out of there.  You should have no problem with this if you
have followed the next rule:

    Buy a really, really fast car.  By now you may have realized that there is
some small expenditure of funds required if you are to successfully follow all
of these rules, but if you are in doubt, just think – which is worth more,
my money or my peace of mind?  And if you think that your peace of mind isn’t
worth that much, think about how it would look if a piece of your mind ended up
on the floor because some agitated individual took a bat to you.

    The one great thing about my self-defense guide is it’s adaptability.
These rules are not set in stone.  They are conformable to any location on
Earth.  For example, in the above illustration of the car accident, the
adjoining rule is to “buy a really, really fast car.”  If you are reading this
in, say, Saudi Arabia, you can modify that to “buy a really, really fast
camel.”

    Another thing that is great about them is that they put you in a mindset
which, I think, will really help you to be prepared for everyday life.  If you
start thinking that every single person you see has been paid to assassinate
you, it puts life in a whole new perspective.  A simple walk to 7-11 is much
more exciting than it used to be.  If you are permanently on guard, then you
won’t be surprised when someone inevitably attempts to assail you, and
preparedness is half the battle.  The other half is getting the crap beaten out
of you.

    I would like to leave you with this parting thought, and it’s the most
important one:

    Whatever happens, I am in no way ethically, morally, or legally
responsible for any harm whatsoever that you may come by, nor am I liable to
you or, more likely, your heirs.

    Thanks, and goodbye.

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