—- was ripped from a diskmag called Scenial issue 4 (scenial4.zip) —–
So you wanna be a carthief? Start by taking on a good lawyer. And, eh, don’t steal a car when you are hitch hiking. Imagine this: a hospitable chauffeur stops to piss against a tree and the stupid moron leaves his keys on the ignition.
Resist to the seduction, because that man can give a personality description to the cops, and that can be fatal!
Don’t force the driver to get out of his car either, because that’s a violence delict or something, and that would make only make thing more complicated for your lawyer.
You get much more fun out of stealing a car when the owner is standing right next to it. For instance: you see a man waiting in his ’till the grass turns blue.
Get him out with some fake story (“Sir, I believe you have a flat tire”, works wonders). While he rushes to the back of his car to take a look at the catastrophe, you jump in his car and drive away. EVERYBODY leaves his keys on the ignition when he’s waiting for something.
When you see an unmanned car which you’d love to take for a drive, first of all, check if there’s a dog in it. If there is, forget about it! Dogs in cars are the best way to scare of thieves.
A dog thinks of the car as his territory and it’s a known fact that dogs have the nasty habit of protecting their territory by biting and stuff.
If there isn’t a dog in the car, look if there’s a sticker of a stupid screaming alarmsystem on the windshield. If there is, then you, as a rookie, should leave the car undisturbed. Professional car-thieves have less trouble with it.
There are however REAL stickers and FAKE stickers. A lot of chauffers think they can scare thieves away with such a fake sticker, but as a masterthief, you studied these thing and you can thee the difference.
Fake stickers don’t scare you. However, if it is a real sticker, you’re still sitting on roses, because the sticker also names the brand of the alarm system and of course you, as a master thief know all the different brands and systems.
The owner actually HELPS you stealing his car, now isn’t that a nice gesture. If it’s an alarmsystem you happen to know, you simply disconnect it and you drive of with the wanted car. If it’s not, don’t be sad, you just go and steal another one.
But even as a pro you have to watch out with real stickers because there are cowards who put the sticker of another brand on their windshield. BOO! LAME!
When you start messing around, you immediately notice the difference but you got a BIG change the alarm is already screaming his guts out by now. The biggest cowards are of course the assholes who DO have an alarm, but DON’T let you know that with a sticker. “Great!”, you think and you try breaking in and the fuckin’ alarm goes off: scares the hell out of you! In general, it’s easy for a master thief to make the sirene to shut up.
With some more expensive models it isn’t: there is a emergency battery in a high protected box, so the sirene starts (or keeps) screaming as soon as you cut the maincircuit. As a master thief, you have to make a shortcut or give a high voltage injection to make the thing shut up.
Remote controls are very popular at the moment with the more expensive cars. They work like the remote of a tv, and thanks the central locking system it locks everything that was not locked yet. When the absent minded owner opens the door with his keys in the morning, the car starts yelling.
When YOU try to open the door WITHOUT the keys in the EVENING, the damn thing starts screaming as well. BOO! LAME! As student-car-thief, you’re gonna have to study a bit and learn which car contains such systems.
In your local thieves guild, you’ll find some nice folders on that topic. That way you’ll find out in no time at which frequency those things work.
If you have a degree in electronics, you’ll even be able to build a scannersystem which will help you cracking the codes of the remote control (or you can just go to England where you can LEGALLY buy such gadgets!). The master thieves are already able to do that now.
DON’T STEAL A WHEELCHAIR
Check if the soon-to-be-stealed-car is one of a handicapped person. Normally, that’s indicated by a blue sticker with a wheelchair on it on the windshield.
Don’t steal such a car. Now, respect, but those cars are individually adjusted and simply uncontrollable by your average, non-handicapped masterthief.
You can’t sell such cars either. Fortunately, there are no such things as fake blue stickers, because that’s illegal. If you are not convinced, just take a look at the steering-wheel and the pedals. Convinced? Good.
Always check if there aren’t any codes etched in the windows. If you just wanna go joy riding, you don’t have to worry about it, but if you wanna make a living by selling stolen cars, those codes will just give you a lot of trouble.
As soon as the owner reports the theft the codes are spreaded everywhere and when the innocent buyer goes to the garage, the question will pop “Where did you get this car, sir?”
You won’t find a fence for a car with window codes (except if you export it to foreign countries where nobody gives a fuck about those codes anyway) so you will have to replace all the windows and your local garage-keeper will find that rather “strange”.
THE DAMN GEAR-LEVER
What else do you, as a rooke, have to pay attention to? Look inside. Maybe the wheel is locked with a wheel pedalhook. For the rookie, this is usually a BIG problem. But wait ’till you’re a masterthief, you’ll laugh with things like that!
The wheel-dashboard-lock, brightly colored so you can see it very well (to scare of the thieves), is even worse, but the masterthieves can get ridd of it, however not without damaging the car.
Very unpleasant, but not unbreakable (the trickbox of the masterthief doesn’t appear to have a bottom), is the handbrake lock.
Pedal locks are also very annoying, but they’re also annoying for the owner, because he has to install ’em BEFORE he exits the car, so I trust you’ll never encounter them in your entire career. Same goes for the tire locks, which can totally inmobilize the car, you can’t even tow it away!
There is, however, something new, that even the master thieves can’t break, the so called GEARLEVER lock, this makes sure that you can’t change gears.
If you REALLY wanted that car, you can always have it towed away. In the garage, they can break the lock with expensive material and a LOT of patience. But, don’t worry, the masterthieves will soon find an easy solution to the GEARLEVER lock problem.
OK, no dogs, no stickers, no codes, no locks. Check if the door is locked. If it isn’t, you can usually enter safely. If you’re lucky, the keys may still be in the ignition. Situations like these are easy to find on driveways in area with lots of beautiful villa’s. (See in our next issue: ‘Ten ways to steal your modern art at rich peoples houses’)
If the door is locked, you, as a rookie, encounter the first problem. “Let’s smash the window!”, you may think. DON’T! If you’re gonna do some joy riding, some cop will notice the broken window and force you to pull over.
If you wanna make some money by selling the car you have to replace the window first. Besides, smashing the window is much more suspicious than forcing the lock.
Smashing a window is really amateurish. Shame on you! Opening a door without a key is child’s play.
An expirienced thief can open a door just as fast with as without the key, without damaging the car. Useful tools are screwdrivers and/or steel-wires. Practice on your own car for several weeks. In the summertime, a lot of drivers leave the window or the roof a little bit open. Use your steel-wire to pull the lock of the roof et voila, you can enter.
THE RIDICULOUS WHEEL LOCK
Ok, no dogs, no stickers, no codes, no locks and you’ve opened the door.
Now get in the car and check if the keys are still in the ignition. It happens very often that retarted drivers smash their door in the lock with their keys still in the car.
Damn, no key. The rookie encounters two problems: break the wheel lock and start the engine. Look at the tires, the wheel lock is usually locked when the tires are straight. If they’re not, pull the steering wheel very hard.
Now the lock should be broken. If this doesn’t work, you’ll have to use something heavier, like a lever. Use your imagination and practice on your own car for a couple of weeks. OK, you broke the wheel lock. Well done. Make sure the lock is broken completely or you may encounter problems while trying to steer. Not intresting, especially not while driving at ridiculously high speeds.
FLIPPER: THE FLIPPIN DOLPHIN
Step 2: Getting the engine started. The principle is easy: connect the contactwires and the connect the wires of the starting-engine. You need the know where you find these in the brand and type of car you want to steal. Try and find them in your own car and practice for several weeks.
Masterthieves who are specialised in one type of car, can start a car faster than you can say it. It could happen that the motor doesn’t start or that you just can’t get any power at all. Bad luck.
The owner of the car probably installed his own little security system. Take a look under the driversseat, under the passengersseat and under the dashboard. There should be a switch somewhere.
When you’ve found it, do the obvious: flip it! Now try again, the engine should start now.
DO YOU SMELL BACON?
Congratulations! You just ripped your first car! How does it feel? Is the adrenalin pumpin? Great! Now KEEP CALM! I know it’s hard to control yourself when you’re behind the wheel of a shining red Ferrari, but don’t go racing at 250 MPH, because for some strange reason, pigs don’t like that.
They’ll try to stop you and you’ll come up to a point where that lawyer I talked about comes in handy. A true masterthief is always in complete mental control, you know yin, yang, that kinda shit. But don’t go to the other extreme either: don’t drive at speed even your grandma exceeds or don’t go looking around real nervous, you may just well write ‘this car is stolen’ all over your face.
Just act normal, or if your normal behaviour conforms to that described above, don’t. Wanna go for a joy-ride? Have fun. Just choose a nice quiet place to dump the baby afterwards, say, the canal?
If you wanna sell it, check out your local thieves guild, you should find a nice fence there.
Keep in mind that not everyone is as honest as you (hah!). Some of the people you’ll meet at your local thieves guild are straight crooks and they’ll try rip you off.
Alas, the path of a masterthief does not go over roses.
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